TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let's have A further position in which American Males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Everybody a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the project, replied, "You recognize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting awareness from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will likely include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD might have turn-down support."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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